by Doug Bauder

I was born in Bethlehem, PA, an historic community whose culture has been influenced by those who settled and named the town on Christmas Eve in 1741. Known as “Moravians,” they were descendents of those who followed the teachings of Czech reformer John Hus, one of the earliest leaders of the Protestant Reformation. While their roots date back to the 15th century, their numbers, today, are relatively small and, yet, their gentle approach to the Christian faith has had an impact on a variety of cultures and individuals up until the present time. Among the blessings which I received from my association with the Moravian Church is an understanding of religion as a matter of the heart. This, in turn, has given me the ability to approach the holy in a spirit of humility and love; to value the dignity and worth of every human being; to cherish simplicity; and to celebrate my faith and my life in song. Indeed, the gift of music has been integral in my own spiritual journey.

When I think of the ‘culture’ in which I grew up I can hardly distinguish between my family and my faith community. The two are closely intertwined. My home and my church were places where I was affirmed, challenged, corrected, nurtured and taught to care for the world and the people around me. Holidays were celebrated in both places in simple, but meaningful ways. A spirit of grace and good humor colored my days. Friends from distant places and varied cultures were always welcome in our home and often celebrated special occasions with us.

Education was valued highly by my parents and was also part of my heritage of faith. I was encouraged to ask questions, to challenge assumptions, to develop my own understanding of the divine nature. That approach led me to believe that life was a gift; that the world was full of wonders to be explored and enjoyed; that all people had within themselves the capacity for great good, as well as horrific evil. I came to understand that life, itself, is a journey and that there is a Power that can help us to find our way, if we keep our minds and our hearts open. Moments of quiet reflection alone, the reading of sacred texts, conversations with respected others, community worship – all of these things helped me to develop a personal relationship with the very Source of Life. The ability to celebrate my individuality, to understand my limitations, and to accept the fact that I am loved is what I have come to call ‘grace’ and it is that word which, most clearly, defines my own concept of God. The spirit of the historical figure named Jesus has been a unique force in my developing spirituality.

I would have to say that the most challenging experience of my life, up to this point, was coming to terms with the fact that I am gay. I did so in my early thirties, after five years of marriage, and after the birth of my two children. Major heart surgery and the death of my father would rank as significant moments in time, as well, but nothing compares in my life to the pain and confusion, the guilt and frustration, the ultimate liberation that came from acknowledging a sexual orientation that is different from the norm. It, quite literally, changed my world. And, yet, at the same time, it deepened my own faith, as I sought to utilize the variety of spiritual resources within and around me. What I had learned from growing up in the Moravian Church helped me to acknowledge and affirm my differences as a gay man; to forgive myself for mistakes I made and people I hurt in my ‘coming out’ process; and, ultimately, to find ways to help others who struggle with this unique life dynamic. This has, now, become my life’s work, coordinating an office that provides support for gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender students and information on glbt issues to the campus where I work and the larger community in which I live. Over the twenty years in which I have done this kind of work, I have been privileged to know and learn from people from any number of cultures and races, and religious backgrounds. For me, all of this speaks of a Creator who values diversity.

What I would want others to know is that just as life, itself, is a journey, so, too, is the process of ‘coming out’. It is a matter of asking ultimate questions like: Who am I? Will I know love? How can I find my place in the world? In the midst of answering those questions for myself I would say that my own coming out has been a kind of ‘resurrection’ experience. After living in a closet (tomb) for a number of years, a place where darkness often reigned, I chose to come out into the light – to face my ‘demons’, as it were. I chose to learn more about who I really am and, for me, new life followed. Paraphrasing the words of another, I came to know the truth and that truth has set me free. My hope is that as others follow their own spiritual path they would know the joy that comes from such enlightenment.